Today is "R U OK?" Day & I am 100% NOT OK!!

** Please note I have not proof read this post!  It has come from an angry, pissed off place and I just needed to blog to release **

On a day we were meant to be asking fellow human beings "R U OK" and showing compassion for our fellow man I have seen first hand events that have saddened my greatly.  Sometimes I think the world is going ok and acceptance, albeit slow, for the gay community is moving along steadily and positively.  I can see attitudes change and moods shift and then I witness first hand pure hatred that makes my skin crawl.

In May 2010 Chaz Bono legally changed his name and gender to reflect the person he truly was.  It seems over the years we have watched Chaz Bono struggle with his own sexuality in his strive to become the person we see today and to understand himself as a human.  We are in NO position to judge or criticize his actions while he attempts to find his place on this planet.

Chaz Bono has a facebook page http://www.facebook.com/ChazBonoOfficial?sk=wall and it is here I have seen first hand the hatred this man must now accept as part of his life.  It is disgusting, ignorant, uneducated and makes me lose sense and hope in humanity.

The saddest part of this for me is the age of the children posting on this wall.  They are aged between 18-24 and is such a sad reflection of some Youth today.  Who the fuck is bringing up these children with such hatred for their fellow man?

This makes me particularly angry as my brother was subject to years of bullying and torment which resulted in him taking his own life.

This NEEDS to stop!  All humans regardless of what your beliefs deserve to live with dignity and respect and who the hell are we not to give it to them.  I don't care if people do not like gays, blacks, Asians, Moslims or anyone else they may class as different, that gives no right to marginalize them and make them feel different from us.

Who the fuck do some people think they are.  STOP!  THINK! REFLECT! and understand the consequences of your words and actions on another before you speak, write or communicate with a person.  He is one of the bravest people I know, he has come out to the world and faced ridicule and condemnation by a pack of half witted, uneducated, red neck cretins.  I wonder if those who mock and condemn would ever manage something half as brave?  Highly doubtful!

It is not your decision to make or to comment if you believe it is right or wrong - it is NOT your fucking life!!  Chaz Bono is the only person who deserves to find peace and I sincerely hope and pray that after years of searching inner peace is now his.

To those that feel the need to mock and bully him - FUCK OFF! -  clean up your not so perfect backyards first before you make comment or judge others and the decisions they make on their road to happiness!

Family Drug Help - 1st group session

On Monday I was feeling kind of brave and rung up the people at "Family Drug Help".  I was petrified to make the call and sat there staring at the phone for at least half an hour before ringing.  I spoke to a lovely lady called Wendy, she shared with me her story and I was amazed at her bravery.  For the first time in a long time I felt like someone actually got me, got my story and understood my life.

After an hour or so on the phone, Wendy gave me the details of a group session held in Dandenong for families and partners of drug addicts.  I am attending today at 4pm and I feel sick to my stomach.  I have the kids organised with Angel M (thanks God for her) and I will go and listen to their stories and their fights. 

Thankyou Wendy for sharing with me your story.

If anyone else might know someone who could use the services of someone like Wendy their link is below.  They do not judge, they do not tell you what to do, they just listen and most of all they understand.

http://familydrughelp.org.au/

Confirmation

As many of you know reading my blog my husband is a heroin addict.  It has taken me a long time to admit it and for years I have blocked it away and hoped it would leave our lives.  Unfortunately, if you have been associated at all with an addict, it does not go away!

I remember back to that first time I had real confirmation my husband shot up heroin.  It scared me no end.  I always had my suspicions deep down, never did I think that would be his drug of choice, but I always new something was not right.  I think you do when your partner is an addict, whatever their vice is deep down you know.  Denial is sometimes a mentally safer option.

I was driving in my car after work, 6 1/2 months pregnant with our first child.  I felt something fall from a small compartment under my steering wheel and hit my feet.  I waited til I got to the lights and there at my feet was a container, like a toothbrush container.  I opened it and inside was a spoon, needle and some tissues.  I remember clearly just sitting there at those traffic lights staring at what I had discovered and not knowing what to do from there.

It was my confirmation and my blissful world come crashing down.  I instantly looked at and thought of my husband in a different way.  My thoughts of how I pictured a heroin addict or any drug addict for that matter had been blown away.  I associated heroin with the street for some reason, every documentary I had seen, every image of a drug user I had seen, every story I had read about someone involved with a heroin user had portrayed that same image.  Shooting galleries, syringes left lying around, addicts with no other care other than there next fix - and this was now also the world of my husband.

I drove to the beach and just sat there.  I sat for hours and hours and cried.  I did not know what to do, I did not know what to say to anyone and so I didn't tell a soul.  I dried my eyes, went home and confronted my husband with what I had found.  He told me it was not his, he was holding it for a friend - I desperately wanted to believe his story but I new it was a blatent lie.  He said one of his golfing mates was insulin dependant and when they went to play golf on Sunday he gave him his kit to carry around with him just in case he needed it.  He said he forgot to give it back so left it there to give to him next time at Golf.

I was so sad at this point and did not feel like an argument.  I stared at him and a sudden sadness washed over my body.  I said I was tired and went to bed.

We never spoke again about it until a few months later.  As I mentioned before sometimes denial is better for mental health, I had a baby on the way who needed me mentally strong and equipped as I was about to become a mother.  There were other things that needed my attention more at that point.  Perhaps to some I should of chosen that moment to walk away, sometimes I wonder why I didn't.  Part of me wanted to protect my sanctuary for my child on the way, part of me thought that when he saw his child for the first time it might make him change and a huge part of me thought I would be enough for him to change. 

I thought I would be enough for him to change, that what we had built would have been enough for him to change, that the love and bond we had would of been enough to make him change.  It has taken me a long time to realise that sometimes the addiction is greater than the bond we have and as much as I want to believe I am enough there is a greater demon at work.

Sometimes confirmation is not all that is is cracked up to be.

This week I am grateful for red balloons......

http://maxabellaloves.blogspot.com/2011/08/this-week-im-grateful-for-play-dates.html

Today marked the day of my brothers suicide 12 years ago.  His favourite colour was red.  Every year to mark the anniversary of his death and to celebrate his life I go his gravestone and let go red balloons with my children. 

My wish is one of them will find my beautiful brother Thomas in Heaven.

Poppy xx

To my dear brother Thomas.........

It is exactly 12 years ago today to the exact minute that you took your own life.  I have thought, cried, wept and dreamt about you everyday since.  Twelve years later and it still breaks my heart that you thought the only way you could find acceptance for being Homosexual was to end your life.  I loved you for you, I accepted you for you, I would of listened to your fears and your hopes,  I would of cried your tears and wiped yours from your eyes, I would of walked the path with you to help you find acceptance and comfort, I would of honoured and respected you and fought for you if anyone said things hurtful.  I would of helped you find your way in this often scary, fucked up world that criticises and marginalises someone for being different.

You were my beautiful older brother and in my heart you still are.  I always knew you were different but I loved everything that made you special and unique.  I didn't care if you were gay, to me you were just my brother.

I pray for you that one day all Gay People across the face of this planet will find acceptance and be given the gift of equality.  I know there are lots working hard for this cause but I wonder sometimes if we have really come that far and I feel there is lots of work yet to be done.

It is no longer a social or political issue it is an issue of a basic human right.

How dare we as a human race not love our fellow brothers and sisters with respect and embrace them for who they are not where their sexual tendancies lay. 

How dare our Political Leaders think it is their decision to make if same sex marriage is legalised

How dare we as humans marginalise one group because they are deemed "different"

How dare we as humans think it is ok for a young gay boy or girl to think they have to take their own lives because they feel they will never be accepted by society

I to have children and there is every chance one of them may turn out gay.  I want my children to know it is 'ok to be gay' and I will love them no less if they come and tell me that.  I would march by their side until full acceptance was theirs, invite their partners into my home and make them feel at home, tell them everyday that I still love them more and tell them every day how proud I am to call them my son or daughter.

I pray for you that Mothers and Fathers across the world are teaching their children empathy, consideration, compassion and respect and that it is not OK to tease and bully someone for being different.  Young gay people have enough troubles and doubts in their own heads and struggle to find their way.  Tell your children it is not ok to tease someone about their differences and educate them on the fights some people have to gain equality.  It is this generation of children that will pave the way for future generations, it is this generation of children that will become our World's next Leaders and it is this generation of children that can make real differences to the way we view the world if we guide them and educate them. 

I am so sorry you did not feel those things my dear Thomas.  But I loved you and I still do.  You are my brother, gay or not gay it is just a name to me and does not reflect the soul of who you were.

I will take your nieces and nephews to your grave stone today and we will each let a red balloon go as I have done every year since you left this earth.  I will continue your fight and one day I will come and tell you that the fight is over and full acceptance by society would of been yours.

I love you Thomas, one day I will see you again,

All my love
Poppy

The Truth!

I have been following some amazing blogs lately and I am finding this whole cyber blog world eye opening.  I never knew such a community existed - thankyou Angel M for the introduction.  I have read stories of sadness, laughter, been educated on a few subjects and questioned myself along the way.

Taking a leap of faith at the courage shown by others here is my truth:-

• Yes my husband uses heroin and expects me to accept it
• Yes I hate it - I hate what it does to me when I see him, I hate how it makes me feel, I hate that he thinks it is ok, I hate how he has made it a huge part of my world and I hate that I have this need to protect him and continue to love him and stand by his side
• Yes I feel it is a form of emotional torment
• Yes I want to protect my children from it and pray every night they do not ever find out their Fathers other side
• Yes I am scared to tell my parents and family of his addiction for fear of persecution
• Yes I feel like screaming and asking for help on most days
• Yes I wonder why someone doesn't just ask me if I am ok and if there is anything I want to talk about
• Yes I hate this wall I have put around myself, I never used to be this person, I never used to live in fear of someone finding out a secret about me
• Yes I pray every night that one day I will wake up and my husband will say to me that is enough and he needs help - I pray long and hard for this one
• Yes I could leave here and take my children with me - deep down I know I would have the support of my family but for some screwed up reason I cannot seem to do it
• Yes I think I should educate myself and know that I can be more and really believe it for me mostly and the my children

And as I type this and tears stream down my face I feel a sense of relief.  Some of me is out, I have felt and written and let it out and I have let some bricks in my wall come down.

Poppy

Three Little Words - R U OK?

Thursday 15 September, 2011 is R U OK? Day. It’s a national day of action which aims to prevent suicide by encouraging Australians to connect with someone they care about and help stop little problems turning into big ones.

On that day it would be great if everyone across the country, from all backgrounds and walks of life, asked family, friends and colleagues: "Are you OK?".

This is Lori from RRSAHM. Please visit her blog for more information on RUOK?  Day.

This is the link to Lori's blog for any and all other information.

http://www.madambipolar.com/2011/08/three-little-words.html

And remember on September 15th to ask someone R U OK?  Afterall you never quite know if someone is doing as well as what you would believe.

Poppy xx